i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
