I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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