saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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