She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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