last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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