Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
