If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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