The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
