could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
