im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
