well I can't set my house on fire every night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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