a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
All the doctor said was why
Randomize