Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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