fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
accomplished twins. life is a go
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When are your genitals available?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
