i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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