peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
