Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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