If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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