You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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