I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
