I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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