Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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