I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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