please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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