I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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