i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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