apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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