I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize