I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
