it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
