your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
