This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
