happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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