so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
