My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
