I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
