The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
we made out on top of his cat.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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