and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
