if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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