I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
