I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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