I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
