my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
