She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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