i permit you to call me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
