Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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