Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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