she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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