She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can feel your judgement through the phone
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
