Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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