I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
