So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
