drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize