one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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