Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
