Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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