if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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