tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
