apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
