Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
