i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
