I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is Oprah even human
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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