Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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