i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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