I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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