just tell him i said nine months
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
