I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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