so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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