Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
