Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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