I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
