I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think I won the penis lottery.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
