At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Randomize
